And So Ends the Summer of Disappointment

Well, this summer did not go as planned. I won't bore you with the dramatic details. As the summer months went on, my life changed irrevocably. By mid-May, I was single again, completely broken down and wasn't sure where to go. By June, I was still attempting to make living with my ex work. By July, Riley and I were back living with my parents and the iron social networking veil of no contact had pretty much fallen with my old life. It's August now. So much has changed in such a small amount of time, and not just for me. Others' lives have been gone through their own shattering revolutions. A person that I had been close to, but had been in a stupid fight with for awhile, passed away with no warning and no apology between us. More than one of my closest friends went through tough breakups, too. So many dreams I had came crashing down. People I thought I knew and thought would be there forever, became strangers. A slap in the face, like the shock of ice water, when I realized the truth about, well, everything I had been trusting and believing. I felt like I was thrown back to the beginning, that I had lost everything I had been fighting so hard for.


Thank God for that.



Khalil Gibran wrote something akin to how I feel about this situation:


"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain."


I feel like this is the part of my life where one could I say I was at the end of my rope, and there was no where else to go but up. But I don't believe that. Yes this was, as the title says, a Summer of Severe Disappointment. I hurt, I lost. But I've become so much stronger in a much shorter time that I expected. I've learned so much and meta-morphed into someone new, someone much closer to the person I hope to "grow up to be". So many amazing people helped me through this situation, with words of encouragement, positive criticism on things I needed to change, and just plain old hugs. From the deepest depths of my soul, thank you to each of you who helped me at all this summer.



I've learned that anger isn't always a bad thing. It's a tool to use to lift yourself from a bad situation. It's a catalyst for change. Channel it into a something that betters yourself. People are a disappointment, yes. People are infuriating with the choices they make that hurt others. But don't let those other people or that anger knock you down or destroy you. Use it and move on. Was I angry when I caught my ex in lies and realized he was already dating not a week after he left me? Yes. Was I angry at being stuck between a rock and a hard place with rent? Yes. Was I furious that I had to move back in with my parents and leave the home I had made for myself at that apartment? Yes. Did I cry and scream and lose sleep over all of it? Yes. But that's to be expected in any situation like this. And it's OK that I did all of those things. Did I take my own advice and use it to better myself? Not at first. But something was stirring in my soul, a yearning to learn from this and to not make the same mistakes again. An ache to be myself again.


And, small step by small step, I am becoming myself again. I may not have had an earth-shattering revelation about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, yet. But am I working towards it? Yes. I have an endless well of love and passion for life in my heart. I'm not going to waste that. I want to share it. Bit by bit, I find myself trimming the hedges and curbing my small vices. I buy less, and try to save more, or invest my money more wisely than I used to. I'm a manager at my job now, finally accepting serious responsibility after 4.5 years. I've begun researching "careers" for the future, and trying to decide what my next professional step will be. I'm working on a manuscript to hopefully be published, or at least accepted for publishing by the end of the year. I have discovered that I really enjoy and cherish alone time, something I never really liked before(maybe it's because I now have a dog to share that alone time with). I also realized that I'm tired of the dating game I've been playing for years. I'm tired of giving pieces of my heart away to people who hadn't earned it. I've made my peace and shut the door on the past, and it's so rewarding to have done that finally.


I've learned some valuable lessons this year, and I will not forget the mistakes I made or the wounds that are now knitting themselves back together. I really am not sure what the point of this blog post is, but to share with you my experiences, and hopefully help someone out there who is possibly going through something similar. I also am wrapping this up a little quicker than I meant to because I have to go to work. :)


Have a fantastic day, let change come if it needs to, and don't let the bad outweigh the good. Here's a quote from Doctor Who to end with:

“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” -The Eleventh Doctor